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Tortoises, Elevators, and Hares, OH My!


We've all heard the fable of The Tortoise and the Hare. Right...? rrrRRRIIIIGHT? No way. You haven't? (I know you have. Just go with it.) Well gather' roun' chi'ren! I got a tale to tell!


Picture it. Cicily. 1926. Wait. A Golden Girls reffy? How'd that get in here? Anyway, a tortoise and hare are gabbing. I mean reeeaaally chopping it up and then they start cracking wise on one another. For some reason things get heated. God's worst flavored M&M this, why don't you let a gorilla grab your ears and use you as a jump rope that. You know. Water cooler jive. Anywhoozle. The hare challenges the tortoise to a race. Hilarity ensues. Just kidding. The story is actually rather boring if I'm being quite honest. And I am. The race starts and the hare (a hare is a rabbit, btdubs. Just... in case you didn't... eh, you're fine) gains a commanding lead straight away. So commanding, in fact, he decides to piss off and take a crossfit class. Or a nap. Translation over time, things get murky.


But no matter what the odds, the tortoise, full of pluck and stick-to-it-tiveness, kept plodding along. So the hare pisses off sooo much the tortoise flips reality on its soft, pulpy head and he gains the lead. The hare figures this out and books it. And he's gaining on the tortoise, but the hare's panicked efforts are for not as the tortoise crosses the finish line, beating the hare pretty decisively.


The lesson always upchucked onto the table is, say it with me now (oops. You were supposed to not know this sto... forget it. We all know what we know), slow and steady wins the race. (Wow. That phrase is so ubiquitous that it was in my text prediction after typing 'slow'.) That no matter how insurmountable the odds may be, if you just keep at it, you will win. 60% of the time all the time. Even if you are the animal kingdom's benchmark for everything slow in the world since the beginning of all things taking on a foot race (paw race? Are tortoise feet called feet? Probably not. I dunno. You look it up) against the animal kingdom's benchmark for everything fast in the world since the beginning of all things. As ridiculous as that is.


I heard an interesting interpretation of this parable. A spin if you will (you will, won't you?). I heard it in a game called The Elevator. It's a game where you ride an elevator. Posilutely riveting, I know, but it's more interesting than it sounds. You ride an elevator accompanied by an adorable lift operator, that turns out to be the decider of the severity of your damnation on your way to hell. You visit several floors each worse than the last while answering seemingly innocuous questions. Did I play this game? Oh, heavens no! I watched a YouTuber play it. I know, I know. Hush.


So what in the illegal tortoise shell guitar with rabbit fur strap does this game have to do with the fable? One of the sets of questions involves the tortoise and hare fable. The interpretation goes a little something like this...


That through his own hubris, the hare lost the race by not necessarily underestimating the tortoise's speed, but overestimating his own. And poor time management. But that the tortoise isn't squeaky clean in all this either. That the tortoise won not from natural talent or hard work, but by the shear dumb fucking luck that the hare was as incompetent as he was. They're both awful idiots.


That the race shouldn't have taken place to begin with because if everything was played straight or if they raced again, the hare would have won handily and the tortoise may have finished, but to what end? It's ultimately fruitless. Not that a fictitious foot race should bare any fruit, but what is the point of any of this? That there weren't enough skeptics, cynics, and wiseasses back when these teaching fables were made up? That people nowadays think way to far into something incredibly simple? I guess the point is be careful what wisedom you write down for the ages because it'll be dissected by indie game devs and awful curmudgeons. But I digress.


At any rate, it is an interesting interpretation and I'd like to further this interpretation by injecting my own. That maybe it's a parable of staying in one's lane and understanding personal capabilities and limitations. That maybe you can take on a hare in a race, but through hard work and practice, but still be realistic. And if you are challenged and outmatch your opponent, don't be a dick about it.

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