Some time back I wrote a post on Facebook. It went a little somethin' like this...
"I hate every iteration of myself and I'm afraid I'm next."
I agree. That is pretty bleak. But it's me and mine is I. Starting to sound a bit Alan Wattsish around here. I better stop. I may get to like it.
So what on earth did I mean by my little postie-poo? I, like at least several others I'm sure, I look back on my past. Not by choice, mind you. Usually when I'm left alone with my thoughts. Or not even. Sometimes I get hit with a cringe comp in the middle of an entirely unrelated conversation. "Yes, boss, work stuff. Questions, answers, this conversation is masqueradingly important. I will (hey.) do the (remember that time) work thing (you thought it would be cool to bandage up your hand in toilet paper and act like you lost a finger?) <yes. now. shut. up.> Huh? Oh yes, work thing. Post haste, of course." Geez. What the hell was with that thought? In the middle of discussing work? Where did that come from?
Most of the schlock I reminisce on is embarrassing or negative. How about just enjoying a day? "Ah, what a peacful day. I don't owe anyone any time, I'm just (hey.) here by the (remember that time) water watching (you had that mild confrontation) the... ships... and...(and you stood up for yourself, but were demonsterably incorrect and made a total asshole of yourself?){author's note: this isn't about what you may think it's about...} ...birrrdsss... (how about you rehash the argument out loud, by yourself with a full arsenal of hindsight and guile you didn't posess when you were 22?) <~sigh~ ok. i guess.> My mom used to do that. Just talk out her thoughts. Arguments. Ire that had been wrought by one of us, but into the ether. I totally do that shit. I know I've been caught, but no idea how many times. See? there it goes again! I'm just (hey.) writing my (remember those times) blog about itrusive, negative thoughts (you were right in the thick of having a one sided argument by yourself) and here's one now (and your wife walked in and you got all quiet like you weren't doing that and that she couldn't hear you through the hollow core door?) and there you have it. (well, at least you were winning.) <hmm, myezzz. i was wasn't i? now can it, you.>
It's weird how well negative memories hold up their shine. One of the gifts the internet gave me is that I was able to read posts from others and know it's not just me. It's weird how anyone could ever think something like this is a solitary curse unto oneself. As social as we can be, we can also be quite... solitary. And both! I think that if humanity had to be narrowed down to a single conditional descriptor, that it would be "weird."
We (look at me trying to drag you into this mess), or I, tend to look back through my memories and find most of them to be negative. But usually from where I was the source of the negativity or at least a witting participant. But I look at it like this; Louis CK said it like this,
"...if you can look back at your past self and think that you were an idiot, then you've grown in some way."
Or something like that. I know, I know. "Louis CK? Didn't he hold a young maiden captive and make her watch him flog the dolphin?" Not exactly. There's more to it. It's messy. And if it were to please the reader, I might say that pun was intended. But it's true, idnit? When I look back on some of the dumb shit I did or said, I realize it's exactly that. Dumb shit. (hey.) And now I (remember when you) know not to do (thought it was your responisiblity) those things anymore. Course corrected. (to right knight people you thought were wrong on facebook?)<yes. i was in my 20's and thought i really had something to say.>(well you did. just nobody asked you. and it was half-cocked at best)<yeah.> And isn't that kinda part of this human experience? To get off the road a little bit, or a lotta bit, and try to get back on without going off the other side or wrecking someone else? There are some folks out there that don't get off the road too much. They are certainly not in the majority. There are others that are heading straight for a cliff, but they are as calm as can be. It's a pretty wide spectrum. Ok, ok. I don't wanna get stuck on a stupid road/driving metaphor.
So back to my Facebook post. Yeah, I'm still talking about that. I had a realization. An epiphany. That if I were to meet past self, from any stage of my own life, would I...
A) Punch me in my own face.
2) Get along with myself quite swimmingly, indeed.
D) Make out with myself.
Or) Stare at myself with judgey disdain and walk away without saying anything and talk crazy, mad shit later because that's how I do.
Cast your votes now.
Spoiler alert. It's most likely the last one.
I look back and pick apart things I've done and said and think, "WHEW! Thank Jesus, the saints, and all the prophets that idiocy is finally behind me." And then walk right out into polite society and commit more. You'll have to sign up for my Patreon in order to read the NSFW version of the metaphor I came up with for this. It has something to do with self fellation and Rolling backwards down a hill just to climb back up and try again with the same results. So invariably I am the next iteration I hate next. Look at me! Breaking down my own post like some self fellating jackass. Or a college professor. Anywhoozle.
Wellp... time to hit the ol'... dusty trail...
"The cool thing about being mediocre is no one is gunning for your spot." - Me? 2023? I dunno. I feel like someone else said this or something a lot like it. You Google it. I'm out.
Image sauce: https://i.redd.it/8bmu8p0zjsc71.png
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