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I recently took my daughter to see the new Infinity Wars movie. It was a good movie. I, over time, have kinda lost my love for comic book stuff, but this film left me wanting to see the next one. There's my review. If you liked comics in the 90's and stopped caring, you'll like this movie. So there we are. sitting through the previews as the theater starts filling up. All about the same time, a lady sits next to me, a family takes up the seats behind us and a lady with a broken foot wheels up to the handicap seats on her scooter. You know, those scooters that people rest their knee on and push around? You know what? It's not important. Now what is important is the fact that all of these people showed up around the same moment. Why, I'm sure just everyone is asking? Because it adds to the mystery. Becaaauuuse just a moment after that, I smelled ass. Not farts, which I feel is an important distinction, ass. Dirty, not recently cleaned, or thoroughly wiped... ass. Swamp-ass, if you will. But it wasn't very strong. Just... definitely noticeable. Like, you remember that episode of Spongebob where Squidward go nuts for Krabby Patties and the smell from the patties forms a little fog person then hugs and kisses his nose? Like that except this little fog person whispered up into my nostrils, "aaaaasssssssss." I didn't know who it was and I had a few options. I know I shouldn't have been thinking so much about it, but I couldn't help but wonder who's swamp-ass game was that strong. It was there the whole time. I had to walk past my row and the scooter lady to go to the restroom. When I did that, the funk was pretty strong. That eliminated the people behind us. I thought that definitely it was scooter lady. She scooted off to the restroom after I got back. The ass smell was still ever-present. It had to be the lady next to me. Once in a while the cloud would dissipate. But Swampthing over here would shift in her seat and fog us out again. When the movie was over, I asked my daughter if she wanted to stay for the after-credit scene. Guess who stayed, too! My daughter bolted about halfway through the credits. She couldn't take it anymore. "I sat through the whole movie smelling ass. I couldn't sit through it anymore."
So. If you have a bath tub, shower, or even a bucket; Before you head to the movies, in the words of the Late, Great Redd Foxx, "You Gotta Wash Your Ass."
Seriously. A glass of water, a handful of wetnaps, slide down a wet rope, something. Clean your ass before dropping that thing in the middle of people.