Cruisin' through the drive-thru in my 2.0... That's right. My Kia Soul is a 2.0. I went around saying it was a 1.6 ever since I bought it. Because I'm humble. And I didn't want to attract trouble. I like my livin' like I like my drive-thru etiquette. Clean, concise, linear, with a healthy dollop of why?. Anywhoozle. As usual, I find it appalling how so many burgeoning and full grown adults have not one single iota of clue as to how to order shit from a drive-thru. It's very simple.
1. Get to place. It's amazing that most of the jackasses I wait behind have made it this far by virtue of the shit I witness next.
2. Know what you want.
Do you know where you're going? Do you know where you are? Great! You should have a pretty good handle of the menu and what you desire. You're captain of this dreamboat. Keep a steady course. Oh, right into the rocks of unfamiliarity? Sure. I'll sit behind you as you sit in front of a menu you've seen five thousand times and go, "uuuuuhhhhhhh," for five minutes. And don't hand me that, "Well, I don't normally eat at blah-blah-blah." shit. You are 16 to 114 years old. Is that how old the last oldest person was? Was it 121? Jesus. Who wants to? I mean, you must reeeeally like watching yourself deteriorate to soldier on that long. Must've been one of those kids that liked squirting a turd in the yard with a hose just to watch it melt away. But it doesn't go away. It just becomes a more and more disgusting mess that becomes harder and harder to deal with. Anyway. What was I doing? Oh yeah. You are old enough to have brought yourself to this establishment. If you are on the bottom of the spectrum, you get slack, but minimal slack. You've seen your parents order your food a thousand billion times. Plus, by this point, you should be able to navigate a menu of even a place you've never, ever been before. You're a whiz at pornhub, but you can't order a fucking burger?
3. Ask for what you want.
Formulate the equation in your mind. Run it quickly through the assemblers in your head and get it all together, shove it into the sentence casings and start pushing those word sausages out one link at a time. Not all at once, though. Some people can't handle that much sausage. It's a universal truth, really. But if you find that special person who can, they're a keeper. What do I mean by word sausages and the proper timing of their release, you probably don't care, but I'm pretending you do, so I think you've asked. Let me give you an example of a proper order.
I would like a number 2.
1.5 second pause
With cheese, mustard, and pickles only.
1.5 second pause
With a Dr. Pepper to drink.
Extravagantly simple, isn't it? But not nearly as simple as the people I've listened to while they are ordering.
Welcome to Blah. May I take your order?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Hold up a minute.
Ok. Take your time.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yeah, I want a number one.
Hello?
seven second pause and then starts talking as the drive-thru person is trying to get the rest of the order
Yeah, hold up.
turns back into the car for, like, a full minute. one minute is like a year in a drive-thru line. turns back to the speaker
Yeah. That's it.
seven second pause before talking at the same time as the drive-thru person again
Yeah. I wanna Coke.
twelve second pause
AllthewaywithextraeverythingexceptonionsandalittlemustardlikeahalfsqueezefromthatthingyouuseIseethemthingsyouuse
And toasted buns.
This is getting a bit long, but real, and completely unacceptable. And you prooooobably get to watch them hand their order back twice. I'm sure it's for a good reason.
4. If you have multiple orders in the car with you, repeat step 3 multiplied by the number of people ordering stuff.
This isn't usually the messenger's fault. Some poor schlub with his head out the window being fed random bits of orders and regurgitating it all into the speaker like some kind of verbal reverse human centipede. Having to double back on items three orders ago because no one in the car has their shit together. I've been there. It sucks.
5. Have a big order? Call ahead!
Yeah. Call the fuck ahead. Or at least order inside so the people waiting in the drive-thru can shit all over the poor drive-thru workers instead of you. But seriously. Do the people in your office not posses the mental faculties necessary to strategize a collective lunch order before the stroke of noon? If they do, do you not posses the mental faculties to make a phone call to place said order before the stroke of noon? If either or both of these are the case... you need to get your shit together. Have a team meeting. Something. It's sooo good to be able to pull up and say, "I have an order for Mr. Smartguy, heeeee-ah," and then... just... get your order and leave. No undue stress or assholery on the rest of the citizenry or on YOU! A lot of places won't take phone orders while their place is full of assholes between noon and 1:30ish. Imagine that. These poor people don't wanna pile your order of twelve custom, 1-of-1, Smart Parts, Dye burritos on top of whatever the freak you can clearly hear yelling something about her final form is ordering. I heard someone once say, "No-one ever plans to fail, but lots of people fail to plan." In this case I think we could revise that to, "No-one ever plans to be an asshole, but god DAMN, some people are fucking dipshits." Eloquence!
6. Don't be friends with the staff.
Eeeeehhhh... This is more of an issue when ordering inside. And not just not be friends, don't be overly chummy at all. Be nice, cordial, and order your shit, pay for said shit, then go sit down.
I was waiting behind a lady in line inside a place and she had a baby. Not like delivered a baby on the greasy floor. That would have easily been number one on this list. Mamas, don't have your babies on fast food establishment floors. Huh. Number one on this list, and could have been number on on the cunty music (yeah, I know what I said) charts! Maybe it still can be. I'll look up Willie Nelson on MySpace. What happened? Oh, yeah. No, she had her child with her and on the counter. The cashier is playing goo-goo-ga-ga with the baby and is conversing with the customer about a subject other than the her order. Finally, the cashier sees me trying to set her on fire with my mind and then gets to the task at hand. The lady's order. Yay! Wait. No. Not yay. This lady has no idea what anything is on the menu. "What is this? What's in that? Ooh, I don't think I want that..." I let out a deliberate and aggravated sigh. She looked at me and mouthed the word, "sorry." I must have blacked out because I do not remember her ever finishing her order or me ordering anything, yet by the time I regained focus, I had my order. An important note here is at the time I was on my 30 minute lunch break from work. This interaction could've been a list unto itself.
1. Keep that wriggling sack of sick off of the counter where food is to traverse.
2. Get your shit together (I'm sensing a theme. How fun!) BEFORE you take up the cashier's attention.
3. Cashier. Keep your head in the game and out of your ass.
4. If you have no idea what you are doing and see a guy standing behind you dirty and sweaty from working becoming ever
increasingly irritated by your persisting existence, be a lamb and step aside to let him order.
Let's not forget dumb kid workers with dumb kid friends in all of this. "AAAAYYYYY, BRUUUUUUUH," "AAAYYY, DUUUUDE," shut up. Shut... just shut the fuck up and get out. To me, dumb kid is defined as 16 to 23 year olds who's bros and buds are more important to them than anything else in the world. Even a job and money. This also extends to 24 year olds and up that haven't, for some reason, become responsible enough to realize broship does not pay the rent. We'll call this group "retards." Coworkers coming in on their time off and acting like they own the place, going behind the counter in street clothes, standing around in the kitchen with no hair nets or gloves. Chatting everyone up. Just being in the way. Do the citizenry a favor and Google cheap vasectomies (tubal ligations for the ladies. wink.)
7. Pay.
This should be the second easiest part of this transaction. Get total, render currency unto establishment what is owed to establishment, get change and receipt, then go wait for your order. Pay in a currency native to the country you are in. Don't ask for discounts unless you have a coupon. Keep your banter to a minimum. Now go. Flee. Begone from my perception.
7a. Paying is not the time to put your life back together.
Ever see someone accidentally dump their wallet onto a counter? Fine. Especially if they politely apologize, scoop up their affects
and go somewhere else. Ever see someone methodically and with purpose empty the contents of their wallet, in its entirety, while
paying just to finish paying and smooth out bills, rearrange cards, put receipts in their proper place and take five minutes to put
their life back together? I have. I wish I could say it's rare. I don't see it all the time, but I see it way more than I think I should. And
if I see this at dine-in counters, you can bet a non-cash-value ticket redeemable at the gift shop (keep it legal, folks) that they're
doing it in their car... in... thhh... there. HAH! Got all three in one sentence! Hell yeah! Anyway, I believe I have seen it. Car gets
order. Car shifts to drive. Car lurches forward about a foot. They sit there for a few minutes as I watch the silhouette show of them
rummaging around, getting their lives together before pulling off. I'm all for the reassessment and reassembly of one's existence, but
could you be so kind as to get the fuck out of my way so that I don't have to be hindered or aware of said existence more than
absolutely necessary?
7b. Using acceptable tender.
DO NOT PAY WITH CHANGE AT A DRIVE-THRU, YOU PIG!
See? Simple. Follow this simple guide and at least I'll hate you just a little bit less.