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Redemption and Relegation...


I started in a new school in fourth grade. So I was the new kid. I didn't know anything or anybody and almost immediately this girl took a liking to me. Her name was Erin. That's all you get. She was a cute girl and I was already into girls. Well, since I didn't know ANYbody, I didn't know she was the resident cootie girl. So I was made fun of and shit in a way that could only make sense to a fourth grader. I couldn't have that now. Valentines came around and as an act of solidarity to the fellas, when my mom and I were puting the cards together, I tore Erin's in half and sealed in in the envelope. Of course when my mom wasn't looking. She wasn't all, "yeah, you tell that little cunt." So it's the next day, Valentines is in full swing and after all the cards got passed out, here comes Erin. FUUURious, tears welled up in her eyes... And who could blame her? That was a dick move I did. She ripped up the halves of the card and dropped them in my drink. Which was rude on her part, because what did my punch ever do to her? Anyway, I felt like a total shithead for that for a long time. I didn't see her again after that year. As a fourth grader I decided that I would one day apologize for that asshole thing I did.

Years after, I'm about 19, it comes back to mind when I see a girl that looks like what I remembered Erin looking like. Not all fourth grady. Like aged forward to match my adulthood. SO I asked, "Hey. Is your name Erin such and such?" No. It wasn't her. More years go by and here and there I run into girls that look the part, but aren't her. Finally, I'm 27, and I stop at a place to get an ice cream cone. Surprised? The girl behind the counter looks like Erin and her name is Erin. I get my cone, pay, and then start to leave. I'm almost to the door and I start fighting with myself. Kung Fu Matrix style. It was epic. Nah, I deliberated with myself, "come on, man. You've asked so many others, why not now? Geez, what if it is her? What do I say?" I turn back and ask. "Is your name Erin blah blah blah?" She says, "Well, it's Erin Something or other now, but yeah, my maiden name is blah blah blah." So I proceed to tell her who I am, she vaguely remembered, and what happened, and that I was sorry. We talked for a minute, laughed, brief catch up. Lasted about five minutes. She told me I was sweet for doing so, and I left.

Later that evening I'm telling my, then, wife about the encounter. I had told her the whole story and about my quest years before. So she tells me, "You're still an asshole, you know." I'm like, "What? How? I made a conscious effort to keep an eye out for this girl and try to make right this wrong I did and I finally do and I'm still an asshole? How? How am I the asshole here?" My wife says, "You sought out this poor unsuspecting girl, found her, created an uncomfortable moment by forcing her to relive another uncomfortable moment that she probably totally forgot about, but if it did hurt as much as you thought, you just peeled off a scab all because you felt bad and wanted to make yourself fell better." I sat there for several minutes. "Holy shit. I am a total fucking asshole."

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